Monday, September 14, 2009

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.-unknown

. . I am totally messed up now and have little chance of returning to normal life . . .
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a kid napper waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .
Oh, and by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Belated truth be told Thursday...

SO things got a little busy and I didn't do my thursday post so here it is.Truth be told I cried like a baby in the movie My sisters Keeper.I have never cried like that in a movie very good movie but very sad and ps don't watch it with your sister you will cry twice as hard!
-Notice the swollen eyes

Belated truth be told Thursday

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Just a laugh for Tuesday

I spotted this car a t Alphagraphics ...hiliarious!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Truth be told Thursday....

I am going to start a truth be told Thursday and reveal something i have done (good or bad)So here it goes "Truth be told" I hit one of these puppies....

Honestly how could you not hit them when there is a sea of them!
I feel Much better getting that off my chest.And don't worry no damage was done to me my car or the cones.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Can you believe I haven’t even been to Zeppe’s all summer!!!??? And it is seriously my favorite place! So I went today and it was delicious as ever. I ordered half strawberry half pina colda gelata as I ordered the young high school boy taking my order said” No way! I have been recommending that to people all day and you are the first to order it and think of it all on your own.” I said “No way!” Interesting how much I and a high school boy have in common besides our same length of hair. And as I was enjoying my Zeppe’s I thought to myself that when I die instead of people going to the bar to shots( because I know they will miss me that much) I want them to go to Zeppe’s and do Zeppe shots in my honor. I know random but hey it’s my funeral ….